by Peter Tanguero
Forget everything you know about dating because this information will re-wire your brain on how to talk to girls and give you a renewed view about dating in general.
Many men would reason that there is simply no time to learn social skills even those that involve talking to women. But here is a question to ponder on: What are the similarities about admiring women in men’s magazines, on TV, on the Internet, and in the street? You guessed it.
The common ground among those mentioned is that they are ways to admire women and desiring these women from a distance. Learning how to talk to girls however will equip you with the basic skills to have the women you desire, come into your life.
Why do you want to learn how to talk to girls
An interesting finding I’ve discovered from the guys who excel in learning the art form is that the guys who succeed define the outcome (the close) they want. They define their goal and stick with it throughout their journey. Men who don’t succeed in talking to women usually never think of what they want to achieve in the first place.
The close could be anything from getting a woman’s phone number or have an engaging conversation with her for three minutes. The close is different for every guy. It could be taking the lady out on a date or taking her home.
Whatever the outcome you want, do yourself a favor and think about what you want to achieve when you want to learn how to talk to girls. Don’t be ashamed of knowing or admitting what you want just as long as you are not going to walk around breaking hearts. Some men start this program without a clear goal and become what we refer to as serial openers. They are the type of guys who walk around and approach women, often irritating them.
This is not something that I want for you so think about your goal before learning the art form I am about to teach you. But who am I to teach you these things? I’m simply a guy who, few years ago, got sick of sitting mutely on the sidelines while women obsessed over other guys whose appeal boggled me, so I decided to do something about it. I wasn’t much of a charmer but I transformed myself by reading psychology books and a lot of trial and error in the field. And here I am now, bursting with excitement to teach you what I learned.
Clear the air from anything stopping you from talking to girls
Eliminate any self-sabotaging beliefs that you may have about interacting with women. Your limiting beliefs about meeting and talking to women could be your number one enemy in achieving success in this game.
Although limiting thoughts or beliefs aren’t actually true, the fact that you think they are, hold you back from experiencing the things you want to experience and from becoming confident in talking to women.
Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can , or you think you can’t –you’re right.” Every time you tell yourself you can’t do something –that’s a limiting thought. Many people are held back by some limiting belief, whether they are conscious of it or not. You need to get rid of your limiting beliefs.
Common Limiting Beliefs:
“If I talk to her, she’ll ignore me, or even worse, say something mean that will embarrass me.”
This is not true because most people were raised to be courteous. The politeness only fades away when they feel threatened. And it isn’t likely that a shy guy will intimidate anyone. Playing negative scenarios in your head is harmful to your emotional health.
“People make fun of me when I talk to a woman.”
Most people are too busy worrying about what other people are thinking of them. When approaching a group or an individual, most bystanders assume that you know the people you are approaching; so act like you do. Not only will this ease your worries, it will also make your approach more effective.
“Some guys are born with the ability to charm women. Other guys just don’t have it and never will.”
Fortunately, there is a third type of guy –one who can learn it. That’s me and some of my close friends like my friend Josh –a skinny, trailer park loser who was a total chump around women. After reading some psychological facts about a freakin’ Goldfish.
He finally understood what women want. And yes, you read that correctly –a Goldfish. Here’s the story about the Goldfish. When the females of this variety of fish are ready to mate, they choose the ones with brighter colors because it is a sign of good health –something that they want for their spawn.
But if two male Goldfish are swimming about side by side, the females always choose the one that the other females want to mate with.
What does this got to do with women? Women are no different from the female Goldfish, they are attracted to males other females want. You will learn more about that in The Tao of Badass. Get the Attraction Blueprint Josh refers to in the video.
Once you understand how attraction works and have a few successful approaches under your belt, you will be fearless with women and any social interaction. Any problems you may currently be having aren’t the result of who you are but of what you’re doing and how you present yourself. Those problems can be fixed effortlessly with the correct knowledge and a bit of practice.
“If I approach a woman, she’ll know I’m hitting on her and think I’m lame.”
This is not entirely true. Women only assume this when they are approached in such a way that it creeps them out or makes them uneasy.
The biggest blunder is hitting on a woman before she’s attracted to you. Although this depicts the usual pick up method of most men, it’s a mistake you’ll avoid if you follow Super Social Man.
Few women resent meeting someone who is warm, funny, sincere, interesting, and engaging, or someone who makes them feel comfortable and who isn’t just there talking their ear off. Learn more about limiting believes and how to eliminate them.
The Importance of Practice
Two situations come to mind when approaching women –talking to women you don’t know and talking to women you already know. The author Malcolm Gladwell said, “Practice isn’t the thing you do once you’re good. It’s the thing you do that makes you good.” And I agree. On learning on how to talk to girls, practice is essential too.
It’s the same with learning other skills. Make small talk with strangers as much as you can. The important thing is you are communicating with others whether they are of the opposite sex or not.
It also shouldn’t matter how old or how young they are or how friendly or hostile they are to you. The stranger you can practice on can be a businessman in the street, a hostess at a restaurant, or a homeless person. Basically, you can practice your social skills with anyone.
Success in this particular topic is the same as successfully learning how to play the piano or the violin. It takes practice. Most of the practice won’t make sense at first that it would feel like what you are doing isn’t making any difference. If you keep practicing, however, you will eventually become a virtuoso.
Practicing will keep you sociable –a trait that women find attractive. This will also help you talk to women you find attractive. But what will you talk about? Some men find it difficult to know what to say but the secret is, you can talk about anything. It can be about the weather, sports, current events, entertainment, among other topics. Being well-groomed is important and having a great personality will also lead to a good conversation.
The problem is, some men just don’t know how to talk to girls. A common problem is the lack of vocal training. Is it possible that your voice inhibits communication? Your voice is your identity; it can tell people everything about who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you believe in.
Common Speech Mistakes:
Low or Soft Voice
A low or soft voice can be detrimental to your success in just about anything. Aside from not being audible, people with soft voices also have the tendency to mumble. Have you noticed that when you speak, people always ask you to repeat what you said? If this happens often, chances are, it happens when you talk to women too. Psychologists say that many people speak this way because they lack confidence in themselves.
Speaking Too Fast
Speaking too fast is a sign of social anxiety. People who are constantly worried about what others think of them, get nervous when talking to other people.
Brain farts happen when you just can’t remember what you were supposed to say. It includes the tip of the tongue phenomenon and zoning out that lead to absent-mindedness.
There are two elements that differentiate a good speaker and a bad one –breathing and posture.
Breathing deeply before you start talking supplies your lungs with enough air, allowing you to deliver your sentences better. Bad posture, on the other hand, can restrict your diaphragm and breathing, effectively neutering your vocal power. Whenever you speak, make sure that your upper body is straight and aligned.
It’s OK not to know what to say
Men make a mistake of thinking that their ability to talk to girls is always there and that their “performance” in this area is always consistent. This is an assumption that you shouldn’t make because even if you are already good at it, it does not mean that your ability to talk to women stays at the same level.
I receive a lot of questions from guys about this common mistake. They tell me they were doing great one time but failed on another. This brings us back to practice but before one practices, there is a need to warm up. Every performer and athlete knows this.
Before an athlete starts his daily training regimen, he warms up first. Social skills are no different. Think of the information below as a workout program and stick to it the way you would with one. Below are exercises you can do for you to learn how to talk to girls.
The Warm Up: Small Talk
One of my favorite ways of practicing my social skills is asking women to recommend a good clothing store for men. On other times, I ask the rather classic question: “Do you know where I can get a good cup of coffee around here?” Making small talk is an effective way to get you into the zone –to that state of social momentum in any situation. You will also find advanced techniques on Super Social Man that will help you communicate with women effectively and that everything will just start flowing to your brain. Always have something better to do instead of focusing on how to talk to girls. Consider your social arts exercises as a learning experience and a way to discover humanity. Don’t forget to think of yourself as someone fun, interesting and worth meeting.
The Exercise: Open Your Mouth Effectively
In this simple exercise, you will learn how to effectively open your mouth. I firmly believe that speaking one’s mind is essential when it comes to women but there are things that you need to do to get to that level. I will walk you through the process and start you off with simple missions.
Here is your first mission. Today, you will approach five different women or groups of women. Approach them with the following script:
“Hey there, real quick. You look like experts. I just moved to town and I’m looking to go out shopping. Could you recommend a cool local clothing store that carries men’s wear?”
Here is the another version I use when I ask women about clothing store recommendations with a root (why you asked) and a time constraint to make this approach fail-proof.
“Hey there, you guys look like experts, let me get your take on this. I can only stay a minute, but really quickly. I’m trying to give a friend of mine a fashion advice. Could you recommend a cool local clothing store that carries men’s wear? The reason I’m asking is because, I’ve been doing most of my shopping online recently. My friend doesn’t like shopping online though so I thought to seek the advice of experts.”
Try to be curious about it and be interested in what other people will say. Women like fashion and often, they are a few steps ahead of men when it comes to this topic. I personally enjoy asking women about fashion-related tips because it gives me an idea on what is trendy and which stores are hot at the moment. This means that if you target women who have a sense of style, you will not only get the chance to practice your social skills but also learn about fashion. That’s two birds in one stone!
Below is a basic step-by-step guide for this mission:
2. While asking the question, look into her eyes.
3. Mentally record the color of her eyes.
4. Find something interesting about her. It could be her hair, her outfit or her accessories.
5. Say something nice about what you noticed.
If you are planning on doing this mission with a friend, he needs to be no more than five feet away from you. Remember the common voice problems? You would have to apply that to this exercise and make sure that your friend hears you clearly. After asking the question, you can opt to thank the lady and leave or you continue the conversation.
For the last two conversations of your five conversations for the day, consider starting by saying a nice comment about the woman you are talking to. After telling her, for example, that her dress looks pretty, you can proceed and ask your question. If you missed any of the instructions in this exercise in any of your conversations, don’t count those conversations. Follow the instructions again, rinse, repeat. Think about your goal while doing this exercise but make sure the goal or the close is basic enough that it doesn’t distract you. You should also take note of your observations. And one last instruction, go out there and have fun. Learn more effective ways to start a conversation.
When is it appropriate to talk to women?
If you want to talk to a woman in the street, make sure that you don’t approach her from behind because this can startle her. If you are behind a woman, walk straight ahead and then turn your head back over your shoulder while walking. Another idea is to increase your distance from them as you walk, as if you have somewhere to be. Then you can walk back and ask her a question.
You can approach women just about anywhere. It can be at a café, a mall, or wherever you are comfortable. Meeting women in an everyday situation sits well with women because this is a story that women will be excited to tell their friends about especially when they ask the question: “How did you guys meet?” Remember when I said, you can be like one of those guy in romance novels? This is the key. Women look for that serendipitous moment, a magical moment, like something out of a romantic comedy. Women want to meet men in an everyday situation that a usually mundane activity turns into something magical. You approach her, the two of you exchange numbers, and the rest is history.
On Scripts and memorizing lines
A lot of people have a hard time memorizing lines in general and often, men who have this difficulty have an issue memorizing something when learning how to talk to girls. But here’s the deal, you need to start somewhere. When doing workout routines, you start with a proven routine before mixing it up on your own. I would like to make you as comfortable as possible when talking to women for the first couple of assignments. Memorizing lines will eliminate you getting tongue tied. This is to get rid of all those obstacles that can potentially stop you from talking to women. Trust me, if you follow the exact lines I give you, you will become a natural and won’t need those lines in the future. You’d know how to talk to girls like it’s a second nature. Watch the responses of women too whenever you ask the questions I give you and you will most certainly learn a lot. And if in the future, mental block strikes, you always have these lines to fall back on.
Before you even open your mouth, a woman has already formed an initial impression of you. That impression is based largely on your body language. Learn to carry yourself with confidence when approaching a woman. Always pay attention to your body language as well as your energy level every time you get out of the house. My theory is, once you step outside your door, you are already in the field. This means that you would need to be ready.
By All Means, Smile
Teaching you how to be sociable without addressing how important a smile is akin to writing a fitness book packed with all the training tactics and the fancy supplements without telling you about the importance of your water intake.
A smile is an indicator that a person is friendly. It all begins in a person’s sensory corridors and would later translate to what we call a smile. Psychologists say that it is an indicator of enjoyment. This makes smiling an important thing to work on in the body language department. In fact, if you only had one thing to work on in terms of body language, it should be your smile. It is important to not only smile with your mouth; you should smile with your eyes too. Learn the body language of an Alpha Male.
Approach Anxiety and Fear of Rejection
Now that you know what to say to women, there shouldn’t be a problem in doing all of the exercises above, right? If you had problems in approaching women during your exercises, we have something to discuss. Some men cannot approach attractive women. They just get nervous with the very idea. This is called Approach Anxiety –a crippling disease that occurs when a man is confronted by the prospect of approaching an attractive woman. Symptoms include sweaty palms, increased heart rate, shortness of breath, and a lump in the throat. Psychologically speaking, it’s less a fear of approaching a woman and more of a fear of rejection.
Approach anxiety is the name for the internal demon that keeps men from talking to attractive strangers even when there are no external barriers for men to initiate an approach. Don’t worry; it happens to the best of us. You should keep in mind that you can’t win if you don’t play. That is the bottom line of bottom lines which means that if you stay in your solipsistic cave, you will never form a new relationship. You must get out of the house and interact with new people. The first step on most roads to recovery is acceptance. The second step in overcoming the source of our anxiety is to get it out of the unconscious darkness and into the light of our conscious awareness. Only then can we begin to dismantle it, see how it works, and create procedures to cancel it out.
One of the biggest problems men have with approaching women is magnifying the meaning of the interaction and focusing too intently on achieving one specific outcome. That outcome can be exchanging phone numbers, making out, having sex, or beginning a romantic relationship. Detaching yourself from the outcome at an emotional level while rationally working towards your goal will significantly alleviate your anxiety. So why sever the possibilities of a new encounter by being dependent on a particular outcome?
Remove “Failure” from your vocabulary
The word “failure” has different meanings for different people. To most, failure means approaching a woman and getting rejected. However, my definition of failure is different. Failure is quitting, giving up, or never approaching at all. Rejection is another word that’s been misused and misrepresented. To reject is “to refuse to accept.” So if you offer someone a stick of gum, and she says “No thanks,” you’ve been rejected. Would you feel an emotional sting? Probably not. If you invite someone to a social event, and she says “No thanks,” it shouldn’t be any different. But for most people, it is not the case. Here’s why: When the gum is rejected, we think she doesn’t want the gum. But when we extend an invitation and get rejected, we think she doesn’t want us.
Every accomplished social artist I know has a ton of rejections under his belt. That’s simply the price you have to pay for excellence. To quote Michael Jordan, “I’ve missed more than nine thousand shots in my career. I’ve lost almost three hundred games. Twenty‐six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game‐winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
You can initiate a conversation by saying almost anything when you’re confident, congruent, and upbeat. Feel free to prove it to yourself. Next time you see someone you want to talk to, open your mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. As long as your comment or question isn’t rude or hostile, you may be surprised by how difficult it is to get solidly rejected.
Keep learning and Improving
You probably want to learn more about the topic. We have researched the best advanced material on the topic and these are what we recommend to excel in learning how to talk to girls.
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